Leave it to the Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hug to truly define a HUG.
Hug: "A way of making someone feel all warm and fuzzy inside without being weird about it."
We all have signed an email with xx or xoxo as it's become the international trend over the internet to show you care. Now whether you really would go through with the kisses will be left unknown but we're not discussing kisses. So a hug is something that makes you feel warm and fuzzy but it's not WEIRD. Let's keep this in mind. For all of you huggers out there, stop making it weird.
Let's begin. Vince Vaughn, says it all in one long winded explanation to his associate at work as character Jeremy Grey in the film "Wedding Crashers." This is the most brilliant quote ever so listen up.
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
I think I lost five pounds when I heard this the first time I laughed so hard. Maybe you all have experienced this or maybe you remain unscathed. Point is we've all experienced an awkward hug. The most amazing part about a hug is there are so many different variations. Let's see if we can list them all. Feel free to comment adding more and I'll plug 'em in.
Bear Hug: Big man or woman embraces you and keeps you in tight but you kind of like it because it feels nice and comforting.
Ass out Hug: Exactly what my buddy Vince is talking about. The "not sure if we can get that close" hug.
Patty Cake Hug: This is what I referenced in my last post about my cousin. He's totally a pro. It's a half ass out hug with a pat on the other person's back with both hands. Since my cousin is family it's not awkward it's just weird. I mean, we're related and you're married! Get over your fear for hugging women who aren't your mother or wife and just hug it out already. I never liked Patty Cake. Now the wheels on the bus, that was a good'un.
Chest Bump Hug: This is what guys usually do when they're playing sports where they jump up and bump chests and yell, "Uh!" This is not quite like that but similar with the chest out bump and quick embrace with just as quick of a release. Women don't usually partake in this as our breasts are precious and that shit hurts. I'd kind of like to leave my options open in case one day I want to breast feed my imaginary children.
A Giant Squeeze: Imagine squeezing an orange to make orange juice and you don't just get all the juice out once since it takes a couple of tries. You are the orange and they are the ones squeezing the juice outta you. Not just once, but twice and maybe three times because "It's, oh, just so good to see you!" Maybe it's been too long or maybe they're love deprived. In any case this shit could lead to suffocation. I got a squeeze from a woman with the most overpowering perfume and all I have to say is that was the end of one of my nine lives.
A Nuzzle Hug: This is one of those cutesy hugs you get from either someone you love or care about who likes to play. They curl up in your neck underneath your jaw. Usually occurs between two lovers or a parent and child.
The It Ain't Over Yet Hug: This is similar to the bear hug only it's not comforting. It's usually with someone who hugs way longer than you do. You've already released thinking you're giving them the cue it's over only they're not done. So you go back to embracing them only you're waiting for them to send the cue. This can happen with your best friends or your family members.
Political Hug: This is what the typical male politician hug where the two men shake hands and use their other hand to grab onto the other's arm and look into the camera or at the crowd smiling. Or this ends up where the two after the shake go in for a solid pat on the other's back and go through the motions of a hug but still keep that professional spacial distance between them using their shaking hands. It just looks uncomfortable.
What Are you Thinking Hug: This is where it would be awesome to have cameras on opposite side of the two people embracing because this could be the perfect hug and both parties could be into it BUT one closes their eyes while the other rolls their eyes. Or perhaps one looks like they might cry while the other is clearly thinking about something else.
Peck me Hug: This is where a girl may stand on her tip toes to get closer to a guy's face so she can give him a little peck in the middle of the hug or allow him to do so. OR it's the hug where the guy gives the girl a kiss on the head or forehead. This can be between a father and child as well.
Group Hug: Typically one big clusterfuck but it is a fun one if you do it properly. Just watch your head because some people get a little rowdy with this one, especially with intoxication involved.
Well, there you have it. Next time you go in for a hug or receive one, think about whether you're the one contributing to the awkwardness or if you're giving in to the warm embrace of a fantastic hug.
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” - Virginia Satir
